I Have Never Watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so I Decided to Watch “Restless” (S4E22)

Let me start by saying I have never seen a single episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, not one. I do know it is a TV show that was based on a movie of the same title—whether it’s a sequel, reboot, or spin-off I have no idea. All I know about the series is that it’s about a girl who hunts vampires at her school—why her school is infested with the undead I have no clue, and why she desperately wants to slay them is also beyond me! Oh, and the director of Avengers wrote it or something.

Seeing as I have never seen an episode, or read anything about the show’s story, I figured I would jump in and start with Season 4’s finale episode “Restless.” Seeing as this show aired during the era of episodic television I feel like I should have no problem jumping into the story and its world! I even skipped the “Previously On” segment, cause who needs that information.

Feel free to pop in “Restless” and watch along with me, so you get the full experience of my reaction.

Minutes 0:00–10:55

So after a very nostalgic 2000s TV intro complete with a rock soundtrack, I have been dropped into a house where some guy is blackmailing the government. Why? I have no clue, but apparently, it’s patriotic, so I guess that is OK.

HEY, it’s Lily from How I Met Your Mother.

Why is everyone calling VHSes “Vids”? 15-year-old me does not remember doing this.

Apparently everyone is tired from casting some kind of spell? OK then, so are they witches or vampire slayers?

Camera doing a slow pan towards the sleeping group must mean something shady is going on!

Why is Lily painting symbols on a naked woman, and who is this woman?

Apparently Lily is dreaming about drama class? Oh and a creepy guy is crawling around and freaking Lily out, maybe he is a vampire who needs slaying?

I am assuming Lily is lesbian, due to fratboy making a joke about getting off on two woman making a “spell” and by spell he clearly meant sex. Is naked symbol lady her girlfriend?

Minutes 10:56–21:12

Oh crap it looks like a mummy is trying to kill Lily backstage (at least the flaying wrappings indicate that, thus I will now refer to it as the Mummy). Finally Buffy comes in (at least I assume it’s Buffy), but it’s too late as the mummy has now bitten Lily and now she apparently is being turned into a Mummy?

OK so the dream is over. Is dreaming part of Lily’s powers? Are we ever going to get back to the mutant pigs and blackmailing the government? That story slapped.

Also I thought this was a show about hunting vampires in high school. I am so far feeling very misled.

So pretty boy refers to himself as “Conquistador” which is now what I will call him as I am not sure who he is or what his name is.

Something is off about Joyce, the slinky red nightgown, inviting Conquistador to bed, I say he just needs to pee and jump out the bathroom window, because I am guessing Joyce is a vampire, or are we still in the dream?

OK we are definitely still in the dream, Conquistador finds out the bathroom is being observed by the military, finally we are getting back to them and the pigs…and that’s over.

Hot take, but I am guessing the Mummy man is somehow involved in this dream.

Conquistador just met Buffy in a playground and judging by the music and eye gazing I can tell we are in for a revelation, I am not disappointed! Conquistador is Buffy’s brother, at least he seems to be in the Mummy man’s world.

So is Joyce a vampire? We never went back to her.

Wait wait wait, Conquistador has a demon? Demons look like humans in this world?

My guess about naked symbol lady being Lily’s girlfriend was correct, is her girlfriend dead? I don’t remember seeing her outside the dream.

Conquistador being offered a threesome is clearly not going to end well.

So far for a show titled Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I am seeing very little Buffy and no vampire slaying. My guess is this dream world is somehow protected ground? Because it seems like the Mummy is trying to break in and turn each member of the group. So far Lily has succumbed and it looks like Conquistador is next.

Minutes 21:12–32:16

Looks like I was right and the Mummy is after Conquistador, apparently it has something to do with what the group did in the past—by past I am going to hope this involves the mutant pig warriors that the government blackmailer was talking about. As Kramer from Seinfeld once said, “The anguished oink of Pigman is crying out.”

After a brief foray into the world of Apocalypse Now, the Mummy man finally got Conquistador, seemingly by projecting as some angry dude who Conquistador has a history with. Bravo Mummy man that was a good trick!

Now the action has switched over to some guy named Giles (if he is not a butler he should be with that name). He has said that Buffy has a sacred birthright or something.

Oh! A vampire reference at the carnival, my hope that I will see some stakes in the heart before the episode is over is revived!

OK who is the weird cheese man, he has popped up multiple times and I can only assume this cheese will play a vital role in the plot later on.

This episode is very meta, and I am loving this aspect, the black and white movie scenes and now Giles singing exposition out. It seems that the Mummy man was released by the spell the group had mentioned before at the episode’s start.

Spells are like toothpaste, once out you can’t put them back, at least that’s what Reddit user BuffyFan1963838 said.

Well it looks like Giles just got scalped after realizing who the mummy man was. I appreciated the thick ketchup blood. It seems we are now moving on to the Buffy segment of the episode!

Minutes 32:16–End

Crap that jump scare of the Mummy hanging over Buffy’s bed got me, good one Avengers director, good one.

The line, “Mom why are you living in the walls?” made me laugh way more than it should of.

YES, now we are hearing more from Government blackmailer about the mutant pig storyline, and as quickly as it was mentioned it’s over now. However it seems the government runs a prison for demons? That is pretty damn cool, can we go back to that? No? OK, then.

Slowly we are getting more hints as to what is going on, Buffy smearing mud on her face, and a desert environment, coupled with the pocket watch Giles saw, seems to indicate that this enemy is somehow related to a previous episode.

So the Mummy man is in fact a Mummy woman! (Did not see that twist coming.) Who is seemingly using some woman in a pink dress to speak to Buffy. Who is pink dress woman? It’s never revealed, oh well. So is the Mummy woman the first vampire slayer? And why is cheese man suddenly back? I predicted I had not seen the last of him.

I still have no idea what the cheese has to do with anything, but it seems from what I can gather the Mummy woman was the first slayer and somehow Giles and Buffy irritated her into trying to kill everyone. The fight scene is fun. Buffy’s got some moves. Buffy seems to be pretty powerful as she can wake up at will and the Mummy woman tried to kill her and did no damage.

Well everyone has woken up now. It seems everything the Mummy woman did is forgiven.

What the pocket watch Giles found has to do with this is beyond me.

Ah cheese man gets another mention! Perhaps we have not seen the last of him….

Final thoughts

Overall this was I think a good episode, having never seen another I can’t say for sure. The themes of friendship and community were a strong part of the story which I liked. The humor landed pretty well I thought, and I really enjoyed how meta everything was.

Overall I am not sure Buffy the Vampire Slayer is my kind of show, however this episode convinced me to at least go back and try out the pilot and see if it draws me in.

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P.S. I guess Joyce the vampire woman was in fact Buffy’s mom. Boy was I wrong there.